Claudine M. Jalajas; Essays

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This weekend I was at the beach with some friends. Two of my friends are pregnant and they asked me if I watched what I ate when I was pregnant. Did I stay away from Feta, Hotdogs, and diet cola -- things like that? Now, I realize you can't see me but I don't weigh much and to make you roll your eyes even more, I don't gain much while pregnant either. Now before you hate me completely you should understand that it's nothing I've done -- it's genetic. I saw an old picture of my Mother once and when I flipped over the back to read the date, I realized that she was 9 months pregnant with me in the picture. Flipping it back again, it was barely noticeable (and I was over 8lbs at delivery). I kind of chuckled and said, "I didn't watch anything really." Not completely true -- I did make sure that the feta, goat cheese, and other soft imported cheeses I love so dearly had the appropriate "pasteurized" word on the label. I am not a big cold cuts person so the nitrate issue wasn't an issue and I never do diet anything.

Emily, who is seven months pregnant, went into Dunkin Donuts yesterday and ordered a decaf latte. I commend her for getting the decaf -- but for me, if it's decaf why bother? A man stood beside her while she ordered and asked, "Are you pregnant?" She said yes and he began to warn her to not drink the coffee. She assured him that it was decaf and he said it didn't matter. He told her his wife had lost a baby because she drank decaf coffee while pregnant. Emily left the DD in tears.

A few years ago another one of my fertile friends was pregnant. It was early in the pregnancy and she started spotting and began to panic. She called me and she asked in a desperate voice, "what was it like when you miscarried?" I paused and asked what her spotting looked like first instead of offering my opinion or my experience. I can spot a loaded question a mile away.

Everyone's situation is different but I really don't think that someone lost a baby from drinking decaf coffee. Like a child that walks into a table, hurts itself and says, "bad table" this husband was hurt and angry and needed to blame something. I can understand his pain but at some point you need to be able to keep this to yourself or hire a therapist.

It's human nature to want to talk about significant things in your life like going through loss, labor, or childbirth. But, I am here to give you the honest truth -- no one really wants to know all the details -- especially the bad ones.

Questions with Answers

Q. We've tried to get pregnant for a year and had no success. Do you think I'm barren?

Do not say, "You think a year is a long time? Do you have any idea how long I've tried to get pregnant? You've wasted precious time and should have been at the RE six months ago -- especially at your age."

A. I'm sure its fine -- but why don't you call your doctor and ease your mind.

Q. (Your pregnant friend asks) Do you think [enter symptom here] is bad?

Do not say, "Oh that sounds like what happened to this woman on the TLC show who had a giant tumor."

A. I'm sure its fine -- but why don't you call your doctor and ease your mind.

Q. Does labor and childbirth hurt?

Do not say, "it was the only time in my life where I wondered how much pain I'd have to endure before I died."

A. No! You know television -- they have to dramatize everything. It's like a bee sting.

And finally, when you see a pregnant woman doing something you yourself would not recommend. Remind yourself that when you're pregnant you won't do it but leave the other pregnant woman alone.